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Yourke Thorn

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play a song for me
[06 Jun 2011|12:15pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

I never use this thing.

i am sure I won't use it again for another year. It's nice to know that it will always be here, empty and cursor-blinking, waiting for me to come back to the low place where the only relief imaginable comes from anonymously publishing the details of my personal shitstorm on the internet.

I owe $1700 for summer term. a clerical error on my part has made it so I no longer have any financial aid to be disbursed this quarter.

I can either find some way to come up with $850/class, or I drop them, and am stuck in hayward for at least one more term, but probably a whole other year. my graduation is already postponed beyond december, because budget cuts have made it so the last three classes I need will not be offered between now and the end of the yaar.

which means i will probably be commuting to hayward from sacramento come 2012.

or I can transfer to sac state and have to go through three semesters (not even quarters!) of earning residency again.

I have already run out of money. I am beginning to make the unavoidable mistake of putting things on my credit card again. unfortunately I don't even have enough in a single line of credit to float my classes until september.

I can go find a job, but there is no way I will be able to make the better part of two grand in the next week, before fees are due.

i feel so utterly overwhelmed. i can't take the responsibility of running my dad's shit, my shit, and trying to maintain a healthy, loving relationship. if i don't do any one of those things though, the rest become pointless.

somehow I think i've lost my way again, and I'm afraid of what it is going to take to bring me back.

I will go to my final early today, and see if there is anyone still working at the financial aid office/ OAR. maybe there is a fee deferment form I can fill out.

there has to be a way around this.

I wouldn't have to worry about it if my dad had gotten his V.A. shit taken care of a year ago. I wouldn't have to worry about it if I hadn't spent $2000 out of my last $6000 making sure his bills were paid. I wouldn't have to worry about it if he had just died

one day i will wake up and realize all of this shit i've been railing against for the last decade is behind me, is no longer coinciding with my life, and I will have a whole new decade's worth of shit to complain about.

fuck this. I need to get into a better mental state. eddy and I are going on an adventure friday, and I need to flush all of this negative energy. I have to remember that I'm drowning because I'm fighting. I have to just trust that the current knows how to get back to the ocean.

2 songs - play a song for me
[27 Jul 2010|06:45pm]
[ mood | surprised ]

remember how i was trying to find felicia a few months ago? i found her. she has a new last name. and daughters.

i dont know why i am always surprised when people get married and have kids, but i am.

5 songs - play a song for me
[20 Jul 2010|09:13pm]
[ mood | bored ]

let's see:

have a new job, have a new cell phone. probably won't have to pay for classes at university, which is good because for some fucking reason csu wasn't on my fafsa until a few minutes ago, and even though there's still two months left before school starts, i am worried everything is all fucked up now.

ugh. my mind feels like its going to centrifugally ooze out of my ears, it is racing so much.

this is why i smoke pot.

and also why i am not sleeping.

and why even though i have spent the last two and a half hours trying to sit down and think about working on a new project, i have yet to do anything except sketch a few backdrops.

i can't come up with anything new, but i can go proofread my book some more, since it no longer seems like i am even going to get one response now that my instructor has ignored me for a month.

play a song for me
[20 Jun 2010|05:28pm]
[ mood | upset ]

okay, so, my schedule in the fall will be kind of cool:

i will be in concord T and TH 6:30-10, at solano W 6-9, and i will have one online class. that is, if they are all still open in two motherfucking weeks when i can register. er, like, ten days.

i am pissed off though. i just went through and looked at all the courses they've offered at concord and online in the last year, and i do not see how i am going to actually be able to complete a degree there. the mission statement for the campus says that the courses are offered in design to be finished in two years, but it looks like there's a bunch of remedial classes and shit offered there.

i will definitely be taking lots of online classes, which pisses me off to no end. i will also probably be commuting my fucking ass to hayward at some point in the future.

i hate not having a catalog in front of me with a hard checklist. all this switching between tabs and scrolling through pdfs makes my skin crawl.

so i am in the middle of a wonderful anxiety attack about not being able to wrap my brain around this goddamn bullshit system, and not having things go as smoothly as possible, and i am painfully horny, which is making it really fucking hard to concentrate on anything - plus i need to take a shit, and my back is thrown out, so i am in the highest degree of physical discomfiture i can imagine at the moment (shy of actual pain), and i am having trouble spelling right now (because of the horniness) and my internet keeps going in and out, and i really need to smoke.

okay. i am going to go walk away, maybe go for a drive, then come back and hang out with my dad. i will perhaps go down to concord tomorrow (summer classes start, so the campus will be open) and see if i can get some shit figured out in person.


play a song for me
[17 Jun 2010|11:51am]
[ mood | anxious ]

i've never actually been worried about passing a background check before, but i sure as fuck am now.

it's not even like it's a more rigorous check than say, any of my other jobs that actually did background checks; it's just a call to my insurance to verify what the dmv said in my MRV, but goddamnit i need this job.

and i am worried because if i pass the check, then i am hired. normally i would be woried about am i going to get an interview, then am i going to get a call back - am i going to be popular enough to get the job? - but he told me i would be hired if all went well on the bureaucratic side of things, so all of the social anxiety of finding work has been removed, and now i am just paranoid that some stupid figure on a computer screen or printout will keep my livelihood from me.

are you there god? it's me, margaret, and i could really some spiritual assuaging right now.

play a song for me
[05 Jun 2010|06:22pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

today is my mom's birthday.

two weeks from today will be a year since The Death.

my dad didn't come home last night, and still hasn't been. i have a feeling he is on a bender.

i also have some other feelings that will remain nameless, so long as they don't cause us to go homeless.

i have a job interview on monday. i seriously, seriously hope i get it. i need money, and i also need to have a job before i try to talk to lauren about the thing a few entries back.

ugh. i am sun-burned, and i have movies to watch. i need to get stoned.

i really, really hope i get this new job. i need money something fierce.

play a song for me
well i miss my mother, i miss being her son [01 Jun 2010|04:21am]
[ mood | sick ]

so this whole time i have thought that getting sick wouldn't make me miss my mother, because she hadn't been able to take care of me since i was 12 or 13 (whenever the last time i got sick before her stroke was). i have long since been used to things like getting my own blankets and tea, holding my own hair back, tucking myself in.

but it turns out that i miss just having her awake, near, watching TV at four in the morning as if she were just waiting for me to come out so she could keep me company. i miss being able to talk to her even though i am relatively certain my tonsils would fall down into my stomach if i were to actually talk right now.

and this is now a train of thought i don't want to follow.

play a song for me
[21 May 2010|08:08pm]
[ mood | drunk ]

drinking with teachers is fun. i've done it before, but only with one teacher, never with several of my professors at once. it was a riot.

now i'm nearly drunk and i am going to go to Miko's here in like an hour and finish the job, then i'm going to come back here and sleep blissfully.

hungry/ lunch time.

play a song for me
[03 May 2010|06:56pm]
[ mood | fucking stoked ]

so i am not supposed to tell anyone yet, but since this isn't read by anyone who matters to formality, i gotta say something.

so, today after class my instructor had me hang back, and walk with him to his office. when we got in, he had me close the door, and he informed me that i won this year's Quentin Duval award for creative writing.

so i am now, technically (though the prestige factor would probably beg to differ) an award-winning poet (which i actually feel good about, because it wasn't staff who voted on my piece (though it was staff vetted), it was last year's featured author, Indigo Moor, who has apparently just won a bunch of prestigious awards since we featured him), i am going to be paid for my writing for the first time ever. I think i am going to get $200, because i am sharing with a runner-up, though it might be $150 (i don't remember if the total was $250 or #200). It will buy me a season ticket to waterworld, some swimming trunks, and a bottle of gin, or a whole lot of wine.

anyways, i did not submit to the magazine proper, but as the winner of the QD award, i am going to be published in this years book. on top of that, i basically am the only person who a) knows what he is doing / b) gives enough of a shit to take the initiative and organize a narrative for the mag, so i get to arrange the contents of the publication of my award-winning poem. I did the narrative the last time i was on staff, and i had a piece published then, too, but it was somehow (my first publication) less momentous than my this, my first paid publication.

I can't wait to tell lauren, and open this bottle of wine.

play a song for me
[02 May 2010|12:52pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

here's hoping my interwebs continues to work on this omputer.

it accidentally (why would it be on purpose?) fell about three feet, and wasn't staying online at all yesterday.

please us, jesus, don't let me lose this computer too.

play a song for me
[30 Apr 2010|10:15pm]
[ mood | almost drunk ]


i have so much work to do, like, tomorrow.

i have a two papers due per week for each of the next three weeks, a presentation to give, and since i volunteered/commandeered the position of forming the narrative for the magazine - a book to put together.

and i am probably not going to do too much of it in the few hours between when i get off and when lauren gets off, so i need to do it all this weekend.

which probably won't happen either, seeing as how i should be doing something along those lines right now, but am instead choosing to type here.

haha. balls.

on the plus side, i went to bevmo and got a 1/75 liter bottle of Tanqueray for twenty-five bucks.

play a song for me
[29 Apr 2010|04:51pm]
[ mood | weird ]

so the big updates that need to be made:

i am hopefully going to be on a panel at AWP in DC this year, presenting on putting together a nationally competitive literary magazine on less than a shoestring budget. I am not actually holding my breath, because such a happening would simply be too providential, too fucking life-altering, to let my hopes get up and not have it happen. i will know in August if the proposal is accepted.

And today I was questioned in a kidnapping case because i heard third-hand that some broad who was kidnapped was talking to a "photographer" looking for "models" right before she disappeared. hellsa crazy.

tonight i am going to see Julius Caesar. i cannot wait. i haven't seen a play since The Goat, or Who is Silvia?

right now i am waiting on a delivery of goods, before i go get changed and meet lauren for ze play.


play a song for me
[23 Apr 2010|07:23am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

all this motivation to do more stuff is going to kill me.


probably not. but maybe.

play a song for me
[17 Apr 2010|02:11pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]


i have six more packets to read - so like, 135 poems - and a proposal to write this weekend.

i need to jump ahead again in my online class. i should figure out what the hell my essay is supposed to be so i can write it. i have a feeling i am going to get my first C ever in an english class. really, it will be the first time i've gotten anything less than an A, but have a feeling it is going to jump right past B and go into the C range.

i want to take a nap.

i need to mail my intent to register. i still have two months, but i should do it like, two months ago.

needs must break. i should call dennis.

should also take lady on a run.

should not give into the temptation to sit around a masturbate all day.

should maybe poop again.

i am down to 202 lbs now.

also needs must launder clothes and sheets.

i am out of weed, and i cannot take any of my pills anymore because they make it impossible for me to reach completion, and i am not all about that.

okay, off i fuck to do something productive.

play a song for me
[10 Apr 2010|11:06am]
[ mood | happy ]

i finally got my tax return.

unfortunately it took so long, that an extra $200 went to late fees, and so i will have enough to get shoes and glasses and go on a date or two.

i need to remember the name of the goddamn italian place in sacramento kayce took me to.

wednesday we are going to a show in sac, and i am going to meet justin, her good friend, the old man jessi turned to after she turned away from women after she left me, and one of the ones i am relatively certain kayce turned to when she began spreading like shed's spread after we broke up.

alright. lauren has been gone twenty minutes, and i am almost done pooping. it's off to the adidas store, because i do. dream about it, that is.

play a song for me
[09 Apr 2010|07:49pm]
[ mood | content ]

i did both lauren and chris' taxes for them today.

lauren thought she was going to owe $800, and i got her a refund of $627.

after i did lauren's taxes, she and i went for a bike ride today out to larry's produce, and when it was closed, back around and up to safeway to get stuff for lunch. we went back to her house, and made nachos. we called chris over, and after we ate i did his taxes for him.

i got him $269.

i know technically i didn't get them anything, i just filled out the forms for them, but i think they are both pleased with me. i don't think chris is too pissed anymore.

i need to go work on a poem, and take a shower. i think lauren gets off at 11, and then we have a party to go to.

play a song for me
[08 Apr 2010|10:41am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

i managed to call my computer back form the precipice of the bridge.

you know why? because i am a motherfucker with a megaphone.

hooray for not having to reinstall rosetta stone, AND redo all of the exercises, because my backup data is no longer backed up.

play a song for me
[03 Apr 2010|06:01pm]
[ mood | tired ]

oh my god.

i somehow made it through that pyramid scheme crap today, and now that i am home, no one has said said shit to me on my wall, dennis erased one of the posts i put on his wall, and melissa hasn't sent me anything. i should call her.

i should ignore it.

i don't know what i should do.

i am super tired, and i can't think about dennis' fucking amazing joke without trying to vomit + shit on myself. i am worried my heart is going to fall out, because it won't stop rattling around, knocking off my ribs.

and my computer is trying to kill itself in five days, so i need to figure out if i can't get around that.


i am going to try to do that, maybe take care of some bodily functions, and give lauren a call again. she'll either get off at six, is already off and missed my call, or neither. if she still doesn't answer, i may go for a drive to try to calm my head.

i'm going to have to kill dennis' parents and make him eat them.

play a song for me
[03 Apr 2010|08:56am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

dennis is an evil genius.

i left myself logged into facebook at his house yesterday, and he sent a message to melissa, and used information from two other messages i had sent her to "authenticate" the message, and told her 'i care bout you, and seeing you cry tonight made me want to let loose on the inside. tell me everything, and call me when you get this.'


he made two mistakes though.

he typed "bout" instead of "about," and he said "let loose on the inside," neither of which i would ever say, no matter how drunk i was. especially if i was drunk.

play a song for me
[02 Apr 2010|03:29pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

well, i am waiting for chris to call me when he gets off work. we are going to go get some food and a drink, and talk.

I have no idea how well this is going to go. he was unhappy last night, and lauren called me today to tell me he was really mad at her, and that he was mad at me, too.

when i just called him, he answered (i didn't totally expect that, even though i thought he was off already), but didn't sound happy. he was at work, and he's usually curt in that situation, but, there was something in the middle tones of his voice that wasn't just being professional:

"what's up"
"Hey. What are you doing?"
"i'm working"
"Oh. Um... What time do you get off?"
"i should hopefully be off in the next thirty minutes"
"Do you want to get some food when you get off? Are you hungry?"
"Would you want to get something to eat once you're off?"
"yeah. okay"
"Cool. Just give me a call when you get off then, okay?"
"I'll talk to you later, then."

i am going to make him talk first. i don't want to just launch into some whole big explaining deal. i want to know what i'm up against first. i want him to tell me how he feels before i tell him how i feel.

he just called:

me:"hey, what's up."
"meet me in front of Barnes and Noble"
"okay, later."

he's gonna shoot me :-X

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