the boyish notion of becoming an archaeologist

ages3andup @ 2010-01-08T12:57:00

2010-01-08T20:57:18Z

on deck for today:

a) return dennis' stuffamajig

b) play video games

c) do at least two lessons in korean, before

d) watch i'm a cyborg, but that's okay</i. i am so excited for it. copies are like $100 online. the version i got has english subs, but apparently they are kind of lame. it will be kind of cool to have a movie solely in another language, to see how much i understand without encouragement from the letterboxing. the other day i was hanging out with mitch, and we went to pick alexis up from her first day at school. i hadn't been on an elementary campus when school was in session since i graduated sixth grade. it actually made me optimistic about teaching children. doing lexi's homework with her didn't hurt either. to make matters worse, i was hanging out with geoff last night, and his two kids are too much (the good kind) allie is one of the smartest two-year old's i have ever met. it was scary, actually, how smart she was. it's a fucking strange sensation. i am getting to an age where my body is telling my brain to want kids, and my brain is telling my mind that it does. i get all weird and paternal around them now. i always hear about women getting baby fever; i can't imagine what it would be like if i had a uterus around other people's kids. anyways, it's like, one, because you get up at noon when you go to be at nine. i should start my plans for domination. by pooping.

ages3andup @ 2010-01-08T05:34:00

2010-01-08T13:34:29Z

i guess it's a good thing i have so many new video games, because apparently i am no longer sleeping.

It's an Empty Life

2010-01-06T18:43:34Z

i now officially have every wii game i want, have ever wanted. probably i have forgotten some, but they will be remembered and downloaded in their own time.

i need to become more rigorous with my korean. last week i only did two lessons. partially because of my new and improved wii, but mostly because my dad was home, and i am super self-conscious about speaking korean in front of him.

i need to get something to study besides rosetta stone. i need to make a notebook for my lexicon where i can nerdily organize it. this loose leaf bullshit has got to go.

i had a dream last night that i was at some weird party, and this really hot girl was about to leave but started freaking out saying her korean phrasebook was missing, so i took mine out and told her i had accidentally stolen her, and used it as a segway into hitting on her. i find it amusing that my dream logic was to mack on a chic by telling her i had gone through her bag and gaffled some of her personal property. i guess the mutual interest in (what, to most americans seems like) a totally random language.

i have reached a point i am sure comes, repeatedly, in all learning of non-native languages:i can understand what is being said to me, but being able to force my tongue to make all the the soft D's, T's, K's, and hard E-A's in a manner that will ever sound convincing. i can hear myself speaking in the same broken way that old mexican ladies who rely on offspring translation speak when they are alone in the supermarket.

it's also kind of scary, because i am starting to recognize many subtleties (probably not half as many as there will be in the near future), and it is almost like the more proficient i become the more solidified my plan becomes.

oh well. nothing to do but keep going.

speaking of which, i am officially out of money. i am impressed that i made $400 last for three weeks. everything is normal again. i can go back to stressing about when and how my credit cards will be paid.

it's a strange feeling to live for the future when i have nothing to hold me in the present. except, of course, the massive ingrown hair on the back of my head that hurts like a bastard.

alright. i need to go test this game, and then i need to get high and play it until my dad goes to work so i can start the next unit of korean.

oh. fun fact - the derogatory term for asians, gooks, is, i believe derived from the korean war. would anyone like to know why? because the korean words for 'korea' and 'china' (possibly other asiatic countries as well, i haven't learned many yet, annnd my geography is terrible, so i am limited in my pictorial understanding to the countries i can easily identify on a map) end in 'gook.' i am not sure what it says about americans, or about language in general that suffixes can be used to demoralize and devalue over half the world's population (if i could snap my fingers in text form, i would do so here) - just like that.

ages3andup @ 2010-01-05T00:18:00

2010-01-05T08:18:08Z

my brother just called to tell me he is going to talk to his publisher about finding somewhere to send me book.

ages3andup @ 2010-01-01T03:05:00

2010-01-01T11:05:30Z

ew. amazon just sent me an email saying it thinks i should want john mccain's aboard the straighttalk express.

made it through a new years with only one joke about my penis. that has to be some kind of a record. usually there's at least five or six. never less than two.

i'm not sure what i'm supposed to say. happy new years? hooray for first post of oh ten? purple fish taco? anthromonohydratebyoplasm?

i had way too much fun tonight.

i started to feel really depressed towards the end of the night though, and rather than keep everyone up writing and traipsing back and forth outside for cigarettes, i decided to come home. now i'm home and there doesn't seem to be anything to write.

i am sore and tired and am in no way ready for sleep. i am, however, equally unprepared to make any sort of commitment to staying up.

i keep thinking i know the next story i have to write, but it's just not there. or maybe i am not there. that's more likely.

i don't know. i don't know if i'm happy of hallucinating, sad or sleeping.
that's a lie. i just like how it sounds.

i wonder at what point i'll figure my shit out.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-30T00:31:00

2009-12-30T08:31:16Z

i so don't even know what to do with myself.

i want to do today again. i had more fun at scandia than i have had since i went there in the eighth grade with felicia to make out.

no sleep. must sleep. tomorrow is wednesday. weird responsibilities to other human beings.

i am beginning to get a tickling feeling that i am jeopardizing what i am working towards, but i can't stop because i'm so goddamned bored. i don't know what the hell else i am supposed to do for the next however long. once school starts again i won't have time to be destructive.

i don't know. i just feel like i'm missing something, like i left the baby on top of the car or something.

maybe the problem is i am beginning to think in korean. a little bit. i don't see it as a problem though, so i don't know why i even suggested it.

i'm going to go try to work on a story or something. in the morning i will go to the bank and deposit money so i can buy half a kilo of morning glory seeds.

i'm going to laugh if i short circuit my brain in the next year and a half.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-28T21:23:00

2009-12-29T05:23:37Z

i just got a really sweet email from my favorite student from last semester, an iranian woman who i got to explain shakespeare's use of the word "nature" to, informing me she got an A in the class.

it's funny. i'm going to fit right in with korean teachers because i already rank my students according to their abilities. :-X i am a bad person, probably.

kayce was right about one thing (~~hopefully~~probably the only thing): i can't not be a teacher.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-27T23:49:00

2009-12-28T07:49:30Z

i don't want to go to bed, but i am too tired to play video games or study korean.

speaking of which, i got to actually use (i won't say speak) korean for the first time the other night. i was in oakland with jenna, and we went to a korean market to get stuff for dinner, and i had to go to the bathroom. i couldn't find anyone just working and wandering around to ask where it was, so i poked my head around the corner of the butcher section, and there were four older people standing around, talking in korean. at first i just said "excuse me," to try and get their attention, but they hella ignored me. they definitely saw me, but either did not or pretended to not hear or understand my english. and so i totally only did this because my bladder was about to explode, but was able to cut into their conversation in korean, and ask where the bathroom was: "anyunghasaeo, yukshill?" they all stopped and turned and stared at my big hairy white self, and then started pointing and jabbering at me in korean. i have absolutely no idea if they were actually telling me where the bathroom was, or if they were just gesturing wildly, and i was not prepared for the conversation to go any further, so i wandered off in the direction they seemed to be pointing, and did not find the bathroom.

it totally doesn't count as actually speaking korean. 1) i asked a question, but could not understand the answer. and 2) it was two it was two(ish) words. it must have seemed like a six and-a-half-foot toddler was asking where the bathroom was (what i said translates into "hello, bathroom?"

either way, it was awesome.

so was 49er football today. and public market.

balls. i guess it's bedtime.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-25T10:42:00

2009-12-25T18:42:23Z

merry christmas, if anybody's celebrating.

today is the first day i've slept past eight o'clock since i've been out of school. now all i have to look forward to is a whole day of everything being closed, all regularly scheduled programming being given over to twenty-four hours of a christmas story, or whatever the hell the charlie brown christmas miracle cartoon is called.

that sounded way more bitter than i am actually feeling.

actually i am not bitter at all, for once. and i'm not at all lonely, at least in the ways i thought i would be.

when my dad gets up, maybe we'll watch one or both of the christmas episodes of mst3k. they are blissfully christmasy without being traditionally of the spirit. perfect.

what a strange tradition taken on by sitcoms (and other shows too, but mostly sitcoms) to do christmas and other holiday episodes.

anyways, i'm going to go do a few lessons in korean, because if i can't stop worrying about what i am worrying about, the only thing to do is dive in so deep i can no longer see the chops on the surface.

maybe i'll learn to surf.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-25T00:21:00

2009-12-25T08:21:17Z

sometimes i fantasize about the future so vividly that i get an almost psychedelic certainty that i am having a premonition.

sometimes i worry i am clairvoyant.

other times i worry i'm not, that i'm just in fact, stoned.

either way, i think i'm in ~~big~~ trouble.

i need to stop fantasizing in general, though, i think. it's the constant daydreaming that causes me to place women (and other humans i suppose) i date in roles, and why i get upset when they don't match up.

on the plus side, though, i think i may have found something to write, perhaps even somewhat of an answer to what i was raving about the other day.

anyways, bed and more unhealthy fantasies.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-23T08:58:00

2009-12-23T16:58:21Z

it's almost nine o'clock.

my plan for the day is thus:

go to post office, wait in exorbitantly long line so for to mail my book to my brother.

go drive around old wooden valley road.

come back and practice my korean.

i also need to redownload itunes, seeing as how my zune committed suicide. oh well, i guess it's karma for knowingly receiving stolen goods.

probably i won't practice my korean. i haven't been doing much at all since, well, since friday,, i suppose.

i'm gonna try and leave now and see if i can beat the postal line. i am way too impatient to que.

i'm okay, i'm just a little mixed up

2009-12-22T19:18:28Z

have spent the morning reading old letters. what an amazing experience, going back in time to where old fears and hopes and pains and pleasures were so real, so immediate, and now so unaffecting. or so wholly differently affecting. it kind of makes me sad to have destroyed everything from kayce and my's three years. almost. not really.

i am worried, in the same way i always worry after finishing something big, that i am tapped out, drained. what if i can't ever write again? if everything i have goes into everything i do, i either am quickly redundant, or i must gain something completely new each time. but more than that, it's different this time. i feel too consumed by process. i don't know how to go back to where i was over the summer.

not even that, nothing seems worth writing yet. all my stories and projects and ideas seem incomplete, juvenile. maybe i have become something completely different. anything working in single dimensions is trite. i want to get away from process, from construction, but i have no idea what i mean by that.

i am so confused. i don't think there's a single aspect of my life that makes sense right now. i think partially because it actually makes perfect sense, is, for all intents and purposes, smooth sailing. it just seems so wrong for there to be the kind of logical order that my life is ostensibly framed by right now, what with all the events of the last year, both in my life and the world at large. i feel like i'm walking away from some great blazing wreck unscathed. when i think about the next year or two (or three or four, possibly), it seems absurd for me to be able to have hit the ejector-seat button, and then fallen right back into the same holding pattern until i am literally given clearance to fly halfway around the world. it is almost painfully counter to what i have been trained and preparing for, basically since i was sixteen, to suddenly have a major life plan that does not revolve around someone else, that frankly depends on there being no one else. it's confusing because i've thrown myself into this korea thing like it was a relationship, and now just like a relationship, i find myself wondering if i'm really in love or if i've just convinced myself i am - and if there's a difference. i think what scares me the most is that i don't know how to be alone, like, for real recognize a possibility of never wanting to come back.

i don't know what i want out of life or love. i don't know what i want to write or if i can. i don't know how to plan for the future when i can't think of any single twelvemonth where i actually ended up where i projected i would, as i had, at the end of it. i don't know how to go forward without that plan.

i guess it's okay to be confused. really my two biggest problems are confusion and boredom. and money, but money is an entirely different half of things. oh well.

i need to leave for work in less than an hour, and i need to make some decisions about whether or not to eat, and what will then potentially be consumed.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-21T20:04:00

2009-12-22T04:04:44Z

work tomorrow. will be good. i need to work more since i am not tutoring.

i think i am getting sick. it's probably not serious though. oh well. good excuse to drink tea and do nothing.

tired and bored and restless.

i need fulfilling.

i also need to make a notebook for korean vocabulary to study. i think i am almost to a hundred words.

balls.

i need to figure something to do.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-21T10:06:00

2009-12-21T18:05:59Z

i had my first dream that my mom was alive again since The Death.

she was paralyzed (i don't know why, but i expected her to be fully functional again while i was waiting for this dream) and i was yelling at her because she was speaking like a five-year-old.

i also dreamt for the second night in a row that kayce tried to beg me back, this time brought three friends with her to try and convince me. i just said, "oh, shit! i have a final! i have to go!" and left.

sigh.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-17T11:51:00

2009-12-17T19:51:40Z

i keep trying to write bad papers, and i just can't. it's nothing necessarily intellectually stimulating, but it will earn an A. i know that my A work bullshit papers is B- C+ shit at universities, but i really don't care. that's all i want. i would much rather relax and enjoy my life the little bit that i can, than stress out about how to get those last twentieth's of a grade point to get a four O. all i want is a bachelor's. all i want to to leave this godforsaken country.

funny, how usually when people run away it's to go be near people who are more like them. i want to be as far fucking away from who and how i am as possible. i don't even want to be an english speaker any more.

i hope when i get there i don't want to come back. like, ever.

anyways, i should (hopefully) be getting a new (to me) laptop today. i don't even think i need to trade me wii for it.

alright. i'm going to go hit my first milestone in korean. later bitches.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-15T17:27:00

2009-12-16T01:27:22Z

ugh.

i have my first final tomorrow, the group presentation.

i should prepare for it, but i really just don't care. the entire time, i have been planning on just getting up and winging it like i always do - only it's on a movie, and there are specific things i am supposed to say.

basically we are looking at the role of artists in revolutions, specifically georg dreyman in the lives of others. as long as i say that he is not only himself a dissident elite, but that his art creates other dissident elites (enter opertive weisler), i will be fine. i just need to ramble for a few minutes.

there. i'm prepared. now i can go back to my korean, and my video game.

i still have to write an essay on white noise. i have no idea what that is going to be about.

i just don't care. i need to care. i need to finish school. i am not that far away. i will have freedom.

ugh.

okay. i need to shower tonight at the very least.

it's only five thirty. back to my nuclear irradiated wasteland.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-13T13:52:00

2009-12-13T21:52:15Z

i need to decide what i want to do with my money - the money i won't even have until friday.

do i get A) my sonnets finally, as i am no longer a gigantic fat lump, and they will look good?

B) the camera i am drooling over in anticipation of the next few years?

C) random,comparatively (individually, not total-ly)cheap stuffs such like books and movies and weed to keep me entertained during my non-productive hours over the next month?

saving the money is not an option, as i will be unemployed for the next thirty-some odd days, and any way i look at it, it will be gone. i could always also hold onto the money and live comfortably for the month, not have to worry about gas and money if i decide to, say, go to the city.

i want my tattoos, but i am too lazy to go find an artist. i have thought about going back to scott e, in light of things laura has told me, but it just seems on the same level as crawling back to an ex-lover.

i desperately want this camera, but my computer is so close to dead that i doubt it could handle the added taxation of uploading and editing videos (although i should hopefully be getting a new computer from nick sometime in the near future)

i want books and movies and weed, but those run out so fast. plus i've already got a dozen books i need to read, so it's not like i don't have anything new to entertain myself with.

i am contemplating putting stuffs on my newly freed-up credit card, but that's just the caress that circle needs, and so i am trying hard to stay my hand.

balls. i'm gonna go for a drive and think.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-10T17:07:00

2009-12-11T01:07:20Z

son of a motherfucking bitch. i just wrote a long ass entry, and i accidentally highlighted it and backspaced, and you can't fucking undo in lj land, and i am not even going to try to rewrite it.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-08T07:34:00

2009-12-08T15:34:04Z

ugh.

i can't wait until i am one i am a parent of a goddamned human being. i will kill the son of a bitch.

i am up three hours early, no longer dreaming about a beautiful, tan woman stepping out of my shower, because my idiot dumbfuck bitch dog shat all over my goddamned room. she was not sick, she had enough opportunity to go last night before bed - she just chose not to, waited instead until i was asleep and my alarm clock on the floor (it's new position after the first time it goes off, so i don't have to keep getting out from under the covers to snooze it) and she laid a trap for me.

anyways, she's outside, the trap has been disarmed, and now here i am. off i fuck.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-07T15:45:00

2009-12-07T23:45:45Z

it's bound to be an interesting day.

jenna was supposed to come up and now is not so i have to make plans and decisions now in that wake.

all i have to do is read. i have already been reading a bunch today, and don't feel like doing it any more right now.

i could work on my korean, but my brain has not had sufficient enough time to relax into the state of being necessary for my to immerse myself in rosetta stone's pictures and phrases.

i am wondering how i am going to make it to my next payday, either six or eleven days away. i am wondering how i will make it through the month making up the last and first halves of december and january, respectively, with no money coming from anywhere except the kennel. I am wondering how, once i get to csu, i am going to be able to pay my bills and put gas in my car. i don't care if i don't have money for anything else, funwise. i doubt i will have time to devote to doing things that are fun, not even two hours here and there for a movie. and i know im not going to be able to find another job. maybe, but not fucking likely. which means i will have to rely on my dad to pay for some of my car, all of my bills (hopefully only two, by the time csu rolls around), and all of my living expenses. i am not a) morally comfortable with this, or b) anywhere near the persuasion that it is even possible for him to cough up that much dough every month.

i will probably craigslist my wii and playstation, as a) i never play either of them anymore and b) if i am indeed out of the country for one or more years post graduation, i will not even have access to them for however long, and by the time i get back, there will be new, better systems out. it would be better to make six or seven hundred now, while they're still current gen, and be able to live for another month.

anyways, i thought i would kill some of the day by typing in here, but now all it is serving to do is depress me, so i am going to go try to find something more entertaining and productive.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-07T09:27:00

2009-12-07T17:26:59Z

if my computer was not my book-writing machine and my new language boat, i would totally destroy it right now.

euthanize it violently, i suppose. it's on its last legs.

one day i will be able to afford the things i want, like a new computer when my six-year-old machine starts getting alzheimers

maybe nick really will give me a laptop. if not i will probably see if he wants to trade my wii for either a lap or desk top.

alright. time to go get dressed and go begin my last week of work for a month.

balls.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-06T13:11:00

2009-12-06T21:11:39Z

after a couple weeks of posting here three and four times a day, i totally do not have any idea what to say here.

school is winding down nicely. i doubt i will have another finals period as relaxed as this one. next semester is going to be intense. csu will be even moreso. but it will all be worth it. the end is in sight, even if it is shimmery, miragelike.

i am cold and sore and horny. i desperately want to go down on someone.

i also want my back to quit spasming as though i were still helping move a 320lb TV.

my problem is i can't even enjoy a ride. i always want to hurry up and get to the next level, the next stage. i need to force myself to appreciate this time.

i'm going to go build a fire and lay in front of it.

ages3andup @ 2009-12-02T20:27:00

2009-12-03T04:27:21Z

8:23 - one finished essay and awesome start to my dystopian book. i think the structure that i just happened to spew out will work nicely, at least for parts of it.

anyways. My back and brain hurt, and i need to start my other essay. first i am going to go learn some more Korean.

ages3andup @ 2009-11-30T20:14:00

2009-12-01T04:14:20Z

i am in the middle of my first lesson in Korean.

it is tongue twisting - but incredibly fun. rosetta stone is the shit.

back to it so's i can eat dinner and watch a movie.

ages3andup @ 2009-11-28T19:54:00

2009-11-29T03:54:36Z

everything feels like less than it really is,

which in turn makes for a lot that is less than it seems.

sometimes i think about going and living on the planet trillaphon, but i'm not convinced it would be any better than earth. instead i'll just bide my time until i can go live in Korea and pretend i've never had any of these feelings, or that they at least are, in fact, less than they seem.

Caution: Objects in Mirror are Closer than they Appear

balls.

(is the spelling of my mood the way the word would be spelled if it were a word?)