Current mood:

lonely

as you put down your keys and say don't call me please
i think i may be in trouble.

or else i am even lonelier than i thought.

either way i need to get laid and reassess from the other side.

cept we all know that ain't gonna happen, so i need to get stoned and reassess...


okay, yeah. i'm just really lonely.



i need to finish editing my book. there is a short story i really want to write.

so everyone knows how i'm a pessimist, right? well today i had my first non-pessimistic vision i've had in a long time. goddamnit if it wasn't kafka did it to me again.

so we were talking about the trial and how K i the only sane person in the bunch, how his life was his punishment, and all of the implications attached to that, and we got back to Camus' Sisyphus deal, and the awareness of punishment, and the existentialist isolation going on. That, combined with both the lectures on Joyce i had earlier this semester, and my encounter with Finnegan's Wake last thursday, made me realize what i've always felt, kind of, but never understood.

see, existentialism slips pretty easily into nihilism, which is often confused with pessimism, and often does go hand in hand with. i have never considered myself a nihilst, because like Kurt Vonnegut said, i like cats too much.

anyways, the writers writing with this in mind, joyce and kafka in this context, wrote about this factoid/phenomenon, and while they perhaps captured it perfectly, they accepted the dead god as the new gospel. if teaching has taught me anything it is that the gap between heads and minds can be breached. sex and mushrooms have confirmed this for me long before i had the vocabulary to put words to it.

i don't know. maybe this is simple, maybe this is something already explored, done, accomplished. it's just what and how i want to write for a while. maybe how i need to write for a while.

i want to capture the missed connections and the effort necessary to land them. i want to capture the tragedy of human relationships, and the kind of beauty that can only arise out of such tragedy. and somehow i want to capture the scale on which all this is happening, every second.


i need to go to bed. i have to get up early.






i always say 'i love you' when i just mean 'turn out the light.'