Current mood:

sore, sick

I saw two people today I wasn't sure I'd ever see again:

Nick and Tim.

we hung out all day. we went to fry's and then went to chris' and skated and rode bikes. I fucked up my rib and tore off the tip of my non-broken big toe trying to manual - barspin off of chris' box. then I almost broke my ankle doing the 3-flip mount on the skateboard.

I am so old. my body is just like, "oh, you still want to run around and have fun? too bad. you had your time and done smoked and drank and popped and inhaled it all away."

Then we came to my house and hung out for like, four hours. Tim and I did nitrous hits together, and now I feel like even more shit than I did after breaking myself. it could also be the fact that I haven't eaten all day.

and now it is too late for me to have faith in getting any writing done, so i am here.


it was really good to see them again. it was like we were fifteen again. there were no hard feelings, which i had been told by third parties for years now, but it was still amazing to see. i think tim and i may even become friends again, though i won't put any bets down. i think that friendship may be beyond repairing. we'll see.


Ugh. i am only writing this because i want to record this day, this incident, even superficially. i am not sure if it will make it into my story. it would make a certain amount of sense, because there is already a trend of people reentering my life, but i think it may be a bit much, and not entirely on point. we'll see.



but all of it has already passed my mind, lost precedence to my condition of person right now.

i feel like the way people on hallucinogenics feel when they think they are dying. if I didn't know better, I would assume that same assumption.

i don't know if it's the low blood sugar, or if it's some kind of hangover from the nitrous, or if it is that i have been filled with a terrible longing for times past, for my youth. Tim and Nick are the only friends I have who knew my mom before her stroke, were there when she was in the hospital the first time. When we knew each other there were still opportunities, options.

Tim is in the same boat i'm in. the only differences being that his mother is alive and well, and my transcripts show college credits.

Nick is five months away from getting out, and he is going to move back here and buy a house and goddamnit i feel like a fucking failure. i am a fucking failure.

kayce probably feels so vindicated right now, if she still reads this. That's right, baby, i'm a loser, and you're right about me. I wish i wish you luck in your endeavors.



my head feels like it's going to fall off my spine, my body feels like it's going to fall through the floor, and my limbs feel like they don't exist. i have the ache in my sternum that accompanies deep and profound (not like a book is deep and profound, but like a lake is deep and profound) weeping. I have the feeling - with my eyes open or closed - like i am super tiny in a gigantic landscape. like vertigo x 2. envirotigo.

i want to cry - am praying i cry - the same way i pray for an orgasm after three hours of sex. i just want them out of me. the tears, of course.



for the first time in a long time i am afraid to go to sleep. no, wait. for the second time in a long time (i was afraid to sleep after i ate my tooth.)



i don't know. i have a little bit of weed, and i am going to smoke it and a cigarette and probably go to bed. I will write beforehand if i can, but my brain feels broken right now.

we'll see.