Current mood:

alone

today i am drinking the beer kayce's family got for me over the last few years.

it is a bitter (literally) goodbye to an era.



i have not really grieved yet. there has been no bawling, no falling down and wailing. the most i have gotten out of myself is a little heavy breathing now and again.

i am actually considering seeing a counselor. or rather, i would see a counselor if i was still going to school someplace where such services were offered free of charge. and we all know how i feel about counseling.

i just don't know what to do with myself.



the day has been spent mostly with my father, with interludes of working and writing. i find it almost unbearable to spend much time with him. partially because he reminds me of my mom, being that he is my dad, and partially because he needs/wants of me what i need/want from the nonexistant person to my left. he needs what i need. what i don't have. what i couldn't spare even if i did have.

so instead, i fake it. and he doesn't know the difference. to a lonely person a hug given out of a sense of obligation is the same as a hug given out of love.

the tradeoff, since i obviously have enough to give at least a facsimilie of what he needs, is that i feel more hollow, more devoid of emotion. all i feel i have left are the skills i gained as an actor. the only emotion i really have is feigned.



i feel kind of posessed, or like i'm having an out of body experience. i am tired to a chair somewhere deep in my chest cavity, held in captivity by the iron bars of my ribcage. i can look out and see what i am doing, what i am not doing, what i "should" be doing. and it's like a fucking roulette wheel which one i will choose. sometimes i do the wrong thing, sometimes i do the right thing, most of the time i don't do the wrong thing, i just don't do the right thing either.



i just don't know. i should go watch a movie or something with my dad. be sociable.

i just want to go lay down and sleep, but sleep will be here soon enough.

i want to get stoned. i want to cry.

chances are i will do nothing stated above.