with this rope below my chin; don't fear death, my Adrian
i cannot sleep.

kayce got home tonight. i went to pick her up at the airport. on the way home we talked about how i am feeling about school, and now I cannot stop thinking about it.

rather, I can't stop thinking about my life, about where it is going, about what I want to do.

more than anything, as i'm sure i've stated before, what i want is a place of my own. a house. land. i want a place where I can have dogs.

which got me to thinking about bighead.

kayce is familiar with the story, because she has been going through it with me, but to recap for the other three of you: dragon brought his dog into the kennel the better part of a year ago. he made small, sporadic payments for a couple months, then he stopped altogether. then he became technically homeless, and has abandoned his dog to the kennel. I have been trying to find a home for her, but none of the no-kill shelters (she is a pit)have room, and my brother, who loves pits and has two of his own, cannot take her, though he wanted to. this has left me with the option of surrendering her to the spca, since i cannot keep her at my house.

i have made a decision though. sunday when i work i am going to talk with steve and tell him that i've decided to keep her. i will tell him that he can subtract a portion or the entirety of my wages as fee for her stay, and she will live there for another year at most, until i finish school and am able to afford a place of my own. i have already bonded with her immensely, and she with me. all that's left is to take the step of assuming her vetrinary care, and taking her out into the world beyond the ranch.

there is no taking my mind off it. i was depressed about even letting her go to my brother, for i really do love the girl.

i have a dog, she just doesn't know it yet.

then again, maybe she does. animals are smarter than we are.


i need to try to sleep. i have to get up in seven and a half hours.