play a song for me [23 Sep 2009|09:36am] [ mood | sick ] i made the decision to stay home one more day, so as to more fully recuperate, and not relapse. now i am trying to figure out what the hell i can do today to not be bored. i didn't actually work n my book yesterday. i tried, but could not accomplish it. instead i watched the entire season of the colony, which was probably one of the best reality tv shows i've ever seen. i need to look up and see if they are doing anything about a second season, so i can go audition. although i'm not a rocket scientist or engineer or anything. i'm just the dude that's going to do whatever it takes to survive, even if it means feeding you bitches to the hordes. i am losing my locomotion in Re: my book. i need to jump on it and finish finish it so i can neglect it without feeling guilty. but my brain just is n ot fuctioning properly. it's all sick and hot and giving me weird thoughts, not at all productive or helpful, expecially when it comes to grammar and syntax and punctuation, rewriting entire sentences or adding paragraphs, being objective about what needs to be cut. ugh. my head hurts. i'm gonna go be in denial some more.

play a song for me [23 Sep 2009|12:54pm] [ mood | lost ] where the fuck am i? what am i doing?

play a song for me [23 Sep 2009|02:19pm] [ mood | anxious ] this is fucked. i am too much at the mercy of my physical environment. it is too hot, i am too sick, uncomfortable, my thoughts too short and feverish to be of any use, any weight, any sense. my heart is beating way too fast for this shit. i cannot reign myself in. it's already taken me a dozen lines to even get to my point: the scene i wrote the other day is fucking garbage. and i hate my voice most of the time. i hate my transitions, at least, all the time. i cannot relax. i am so tense. i cannot get beyond the physical sensations of the moment, and i am fucking worthless because of it. all right. i'm going to go to the store and buy some fucking narcotic cough syrup and try to get somewhere i can actually do something.

1 song - play a song for me [23 Sep 2009|07:01pm] [ mood | loose ] now i feel great, and my scene wasn't so bad after all. sometimes chemicals worry me. other times i am happy with them. i have to go back to work tomorrow. i am nowhere near motivated enough. i have allowed myself to be beaten by my circumstances, and it is hard to get back up, stay up. it's just the difference between doing and not doing. i want to get my BA, and then i want to give it a go as a writer and an artist, like, an honest go. gather up enough money to live on for a while and do nothing but work. i want to live forever like i lived this summer. if this book doesn't get published, doesn't take me to where i want to be, as i suspect it mightn't, then i need to accomplish that before i consign myself to teaching. if i learned anything from my relationship with kayce, it's that i don't need to be settled in to where i want to end up before i'm out of my twenties, that i shouldn't be. i feel like i could really say something, maybe, someday. i don't think i have or can yet, because i haven't gotten out of my own way yet. i am still trapped in my own head. eventually though, if i really try, and don't just passively engage in the writing process, if i push myself, i can say something fucking foundation shattering. i just have to get out from in front of myself and get behind, start pushing in the other direction.

navigation [ viewing | September 23rd, 2009 ] [ go | previous day|next day ]