play a song for me [19 Jul 2009|04:02pm] [ mood | annoyed ] i am such an asshole. i feel bad, but i can't stop. maybe this is the anger phase. i don't have any reason otherwise to be so goddamned irratable. or maybe i do. maybe i am justified in being cutting, snide, vicious. maybe people deserve to be verbally manhandled for contastly narrating their own existences to you - repeating the same conversations (or attempting to engage in the same conversation) five, six, a hundred times, or being rude with their phone calls. i am lucky, i guess, that he wants to be my friend more than he wants to be my father, but i really just don't need a friend right now. not to mention such a fucking dorky friend. i hope one day i read those words and am filled with tears and self-hatred. not today though. jesus. christ. FUCK OFF

play a song for me [19 Jul 2009|07:59pm] [ mood | creative ] I am in writing mode, but I have hit a point where I am too scared to press on. at least i have gotten to a point where I can write on the weekends, kind of. I just have to wait for my dad to pass out, which is usually around four or five. I know i need to confront the scenes that I am writing around, need to get them out of the way. although i did just write eighteen-hundred extremely painful words, they were if not the, then definitely some of the easiest of the hard that i have no choice but to write. I really do think i am making progress. This morning at work I was able to weep, deep and profound-like, not at all the little waves of boohoohoo and trembling lips I have been having. Unfortunately, it was because The Eagles came on, and once Randy Meisner took it to the limit for the last time, my tears were finished, too. but goddamn. I don't think I'll ever hear that song again and not cry like a baby. I hope not, at least. I am thinking about trying my Six Feet Under tattoo myself. it is very simple, and if I did it large enough, it would just be coloring shit in. but, i am not going to just come home and break my gun out like I did with my Ionesco tattoo. i am going to buy some practice materials - I probably need more needles too (since i'll have to practice with the same size needles I'll be using on myself, and I only have five (in some cases four, or three) of each size) and probably some more ink and transfer paper, too. So it won't be for a little while, but it will be soon. i will not let Kayce take Six Feet Under from me. it was mine before it was hers, mine before it was anyone's in this stupid town. It is true I have her to thank for getting me back into it, for helping me to finish the series, but I have her to thank for a lot of shit, and I cannot abandon everything that reminds me of what she put me through for two and a half years. What I put her through. If i did that I wouldn't have anything left. I'd have to move to africa or something. I shared my life with that girl. you live, you learn. goddamn - i watch dennis' girlfriend throw bitch fits, listen to other people's girlfriends admonish and nag them on over the phone, and I am so happy that i am out from under all that shit. it is seriously going to take a lot for me to be willing to put up with anyone elses shit, ever again. i swallowed more than enough to satiate me for the next decade, at least (i almost said until the end of the decade, but that's in like, three months (or fifteen? i think three, because ten is the base equivalent of thirty, and you don't say the 1930 was part of the 20's) and in three months i won't even be transferred out of solano again yet. it is fucking so hot i am melting. i have cooped myself up in my room for the last five hours, and while it only feels like one, one and-a-half tops, i need to let my dog out to go pee, and see if I can't spend some time with my father without wanting to run away screaming. -- right there, where it says "run away screaming," it originally said "vaporize him." one of these days, one of these deaths, i am going to stop nonchalantly joking about death and murder, will stop wishing it upon others, daydreaming about it happening to them. one day i will be a good human being.

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