play a song for me [10 Jul 2009|12:06pm] [ mood | drained ] i keep acting like ooh child things are gonna get easier, but i am only kidding myself. maybe i am kidding other people too. i keep pretending like i think things are going to change, like one day i will wake up and things will be brighter. i front like all i'm missing is the right plan. all i have to do is find the right goal, and everything will magically be different. but the truth is i feel empty, dead. i have no more passion for anything. every time i start to feel the slightest bit passionate and motivated i am struck with a feeling of childishness, of uselessness. I should try this writing job. but i haven't got the balls to do it. either i won't get hired and i will think my writing isn't even good enough to write about some ridiculous home somewhere, or it is a scam, and they are telling everyone who applies that they initially qualify so's they can be sent the address and pictures of all your valuables. Or, i will get the job, and then i won't have enough money to either go down to los altos for an interview, or for a camera, and it will be over. and that's just my pessimism. it feeds off the emptiness. everything - everything from makign myself sit up and get out of bed, to cooking food, to going out with friends, to looking for a job, to thinking about school, about my future, to thinking about how i am going to make my car payment next month - is a struggle against the emptiness. it's like, i recognize the things i need to do, and i even accomplish some of them, but mostly i don't, and the things that i do do are not done out of any kind of driving force, any will of my own, but because i also recognize that if i don't at least eat once a day or go over to someone's house when they ask me to, i will start to decompose. I feel like i'm playing a video game, and i have made a mistake. i used the wrong item that i only get one of and had to trade for a special weapon, and now i'll never get the weapon, so i may as well just turn the power off and start over at the last save point, which was like, eight hours ago and totally sucks, and i don't want to redo all that crap now, so i am just pushing forward with the mistake game, each second being another second of playtime later before i catch back up, because if i don't push forward i may as well just quit playing. god, i really hope this pretending pays off soon. i'd hate to think about where i'm headed if i never regain my passion. i would really like to wake up now.

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