play a song for me [08 Jan 2009|12:52pm] [ mood | apathetic ] i need to find a place to live in davis. i cannot do this. first and foremost, i am not enjoying my classes. rather, i am enjoying two of them (criticism and classics) and not enjoying two (creative writing and oscar wilde (the latter, actually, i am enjoying the reading, but the teacher and my classmates bother me). i have been enjoying my commute, actually, it is kind of relaxing. but i definitely feel the disconnect i was afraid of. i want to spend more time in davis and get to know the city, but there is no real reason for me to. i have a two hour break, but i don't leave campus because there are no parking spots after 8:30, and if i walked then i wouldn't have time to do homework, which, already, is what's keeping me afloat, my swing time is. i think the disconnect is a big part of what is making me not enjoy my classes. if i werent 45 minutes away, there would not be an hour and a half (at least) gone from possible study time. i would be much less worn out, and able to study soon if i did not have to drive so far. both of these things would make my reading load more managable. there isn't a terrible lot of pages (50-80/night) but i have so many varied sources, and i need time to process in between readings that my time is eaten away very rapidly. the commute is doable though, and the disconnect is just a matter of motivation to overcome, and so the real thing i need to get away from is my house. TTH i get home before my dad goes to work, if i leave straightaway. today i come home and my dad is attempting to cut his own hair: the bathroom sink and all the lotion and toothpaste and toothbrushes on it, covered in hair, my dad bleeding from his ear, nearly bald at his crown but with still untouched hair in the back. i knew when he asked be but i was confirmed when he couldn't stand still for me to clean up the back of his head - drunk. he will be leaving in 45 minutes to go see my mom before he goes to work. and then my mom will hopefully be home sometime this month. she needs to be out of there, she needs to be home, i want her to come home, but i know that when she does every quarter of an hour will be highlighted by requests for water or food or company - and my homework will be impossible to do at home. when that time comes i do plan on doing all of my homework at school, but it will all still be here waiting for me regardless of what time i get home. none of which may matter because i am not yet but am planning on seriously reconsidering grad school. there are things that i would rather be doing, and i can't shake this old, pervasive feeling that i'm wasting my time. i am pretty much locked into getting my BA, but beyond that is now open for discussion again. we'll see. no matter what i do, money i going to be at the heart of it, and i probably need to start figuring that out. i miss my girlfriend.

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